Why are you squinting? To get a better look at my bottom?
I'm thinking of getting some embroidery on my jeans. It has to be a bright color that will catch people's attention so everyone will stop to look at it. I'll put it in really small font right on the back pocket, that way when I'm walking down the street it will take serious concentration for people to read it. The best part is the words I'll have on there.
Why are you squinting? To get a better look at my bottom?
So the other day I was at home with the kids and it was dinner time. When I'm on dinner duty I fall to one of my default meals. I can make a mean tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich. (when the tomato soup doesn't boil over) I have also been known to make noodles and meatballs, steak and potatoes, or leftovers.
But on this occasion I rejected these option and began making breakfast for dinner. Another meal I am actually capable of making with four children running around. I chopped up some garden potatoes for hash browns, got out the eggs, and went to the freezer to get some bacon...that's when I saw it.
I was so happy to see some sausage frozen and waiting for my perfect breakfast-for-dinner. I couldn't believe my luck, I didn't know we had sausage. I pulled them out and threw them into the frying pan. As they thawed out the kitchen filled up with the aroma of some serious spices. It wasn't what I was expecting, but they were sausage so I felt confident it would all work out.
So this wonderful 'treat' was something called cheese stuffed Italian Sausage, a product I have never heard of before. Anyone who is familiar with Italian sausage at this point is probably thinking, "that would taste awful with scrambled eggs and toast." and you, my friend, would be completely correct.
If you've never heard of or used these, they tasted like they would have been delicious with pasta and fresh tomato sauce, or baked with some fresh vegetables, but with eggs and hash browns, it didn't work. Just imagine washing breakfast down with oregano, pepper, basil, and a hint of garlic.
I couldn't blame the kids for not touching the sausage, which meant they ate more of the eggs, almost all the hash browns, and left me with a plate piled high with Italian sausage, and nothing else. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.
It makes me crack up that the song "It's a Small World After All" is so terrible and annoying that even a Disney character doesn't ever want to hear it again. Who's up for the thirteen minute long ride? AHHHH!
I've seen families go out to dinner and everyone is holding a smart phone, I've seen people sit at the table and text others who are right next to them, but this is a new kind of crazy! An app that tells you when your child has peed. I'm not entirely sure who would use this, but I'm guessing someone who watches their phone more than they watch their child.
Now let's say I was interested in knowing the moment my kid used his diaper, I think it's much more important to know when he takes a poop. A pee diaper can wait a little bit between changes, you know, get some mileage out of those expensive disposable diapers. But a poop needs to be taken care of pronto. So let's say I'm texting all day and tweeting all night, and I have a sinus infection, or some other kind of plugged nose. How will I ever know that my child pooped without the poop app? I think Huggies has some research to do, how do you detect number 2?
Which leads to the next natural question. When can I have a computerized nanny?
If we could project this to the next level, we'll have sensors on our child to let us know when they roll over, attempt to stand up, sit up, and take their first step. Maybe if we're lucky the apps will trigger a video camera so our baby's first step can be recorded and instantly tweeted, or shared on some other social media site. We could constantly be sharing all that is happening to our child, never missing a single moment of development, while completely neglecting him.
I really hope that this product doesn't get very far; that all instances of sharing it are telling how absurd it is, but I'm sure there is someone out there looking at this saying, "I could use one of those." And if that is the case, please put it on your own pants, and set it to text your friends. This way if you're out at night and you're so busy text-ing that you forget to go to the bathroom yourself, at least someone will know they need to come and find you.
I wonder if the first person to sing this was nervously singing it to himself as he rushed to the outhouse to avoid an accident.
I know that Nick Lachey has a baby face that any grandmother could love, but I think they went a bit too far with his stage name.
I can picture it in my mind. Nick's agent was walking the quiet streets of Lombardy, with a question on his mind. What can we call this boy so that everyone will love him? Slash is already taken, Alice Cooper is too 80's.
Then the moment of truth!
He walked past a knitting circle, where they were having a heated debate.
"I've used these needles for thirty-seven years I don't need your hook!"
"I've made seven thousand pair of socks and dolls using only the hook! Who needs a needle?"
And this a legend is born!
Disclaimer: And for anyone who wants to argue that it's his real name and not some stage name. I really don't know because I don't follow boy bands. But if that is the case, please re-read this post replacing agent with parent and we'll all be square.
I'm so glad for the weekend. I'm taking some time off, I'm not going to write anything... *Confused face*
I don't know if you've ever realized this before, but men and women are different. So I've noticed that my body and my wife's body are different. I know you're probably thinking that this is a wild concept, but let me explain.
We both have toes and fingers, but here's the thing that makes us different. I like to have things between my toes and fingers, and she does not. I like threading the bottom of our blanket in my toes. I call it toe flossing. I'm not sure where I picked up that habit, or came up with the name, but either way I just love that feeling.
It's like that feeling when you take in a fresh breath of air and realize that it is filled with that sweet aroma of a spread hay field, or the satisfaction you get when you take the last cookie from the cupboard, or that special feeling when you find your mouse trap has killed something. It just makes you feel special inside.
At this point if you don't feel that I am a really odd person, I'll add this to my list. I got a gift card for Christmas (cause I'm one of those people who it is impossible to shop for), and I decided I'd try out toe socks. It seemed like the perfect fix for my toe flossing addiction.
I waited anxiously by the door for the FedEx truck. When they came I threw off the wrapping, pulled off my socks, and tried on these new things.
hmmmmmm, wonderful. Just like the feeling of blocking your brother-in-law in a game of Settlers and literally stealing the win at the very last moment! (That's Right Randy I'm talking about YOU! And I did it in my Toe Socks... One Word: Toetastic!
From the Mind of Buffington
This is a section that just has random silly thoughts that come to me from time to time. It is not meant to be taken seriously.